Carrie On... Breaking the Code

4/29/2016

Oh my goodness! It feels good to be back! Now, I know some of your are thinking, “Carrie, we just heard from you like a gazillion times during ReFoReMo!” True, true. But I haven’t been back to this Carrie On…Together blog since the end of 2015. ReFoReMo kept me pretty busy!

As I refocus my goals, I’ll offer one bonus post per month here on the Carrie On… blog to help us achieve balance (or at least get closer to it!) If you are looking for the new ReFoReMo home, you’ll find it at www.reforemo.com. But I figured as wrapped up as we get in the many varied craft building opportunities that are out there, we certainly shouldn’t forget about life in general, right? So, let’s get on with it!

Breaking the Code

When it comes to new opportunities and working with people, I’ve held myself accountable to a pretty strict code for as long as I can remember. It equates to just a few words:

"Be accountable, dependable, dedicated, helpful, hard working, and available. Go above and beyond."

Some of this dates back to the dawn of my teaching career, where so much of what I did was in the public eye. All the time. Even at the grocery store or while out with my husband… There were my students and their parents. And my code pounded through my mind.

"Be accountable, dependable, dedicated, helpful, hard-working, and available. Go above and beyond."

One word was missing from my code: Human. A human is flawed. A human makes mistakes. A human has a regular life, too. Because I had not accepted this into my code, I attempted to live the life of a super human, or in other words, a work-a-holic. While I still want to give 200% on every task, I am just now realizing that I can’t always do that, and everyone will be just fine if I only give 100%. (Or maybe even 75% every now and then.)

So, why am I telling you this? Well, besides the fact that I always wear my feelings on my sleeve, I have committed to change, and I hope you’ll consider it, too. I’m focusing on a word that is helping me breathe: boundaries. Because of my code, I’ve had a hard time stopping when something isn’t finished. Which means, I stay up way too late.

I found myself an accountability partner who struggles with the same issue. When 10:30 rolls around, I am supposed to be in bed, with no screens until 7 am. Without sleep, who can function? In the morning, my partner and I send an emoji to show our results. And of course, provide support when the going gets tough. I’m happy to say that I am making progress. Instead of 1:00 or 2:00 am bedtimes, I am getting better at heeding my need for rest. Perhaps an accountability partner might help you with a personal goal, too? Without taking care of ourselves, it is hard to make headway with our creative goals. Step by step, I am evaluating where I need to set better boundaries.

If you’re already great at setting boundaries, please share your ideas. Or if you are just starting to exercise them, tell me:

Where would you like to draw boundaries? What are you doing to uphold them?
I’d also love to hear your code. What words drive you?

16 Comments

Charlotte Dixon

5/1/2016 11:12:53 am

Setting boundaries is a stickler for many of us. Like you, I am dependable, always there if needed, dedicated to my day and everyone in it, driven to make things right. I have been exceeding the boundaries lately and I am trying to slow myself down. My family is always first and I keep them at the forefront of my day. I 'm cutting back on social media so I can find more time to keep my BIC. Sleep can be elusive so I am now stopping and taking "me" time. My goals are still with me, but they have new boundaries, too. I'm taking time to smell the roses and breathe in the freshness needed to keep me balanced. Thank you for this post. I like knowing others are evaluating those boundaries.

Carrie Charley Brown

5/1/2016 11:24:02 pm

Great job, Charlotte! You are on the right road!

Traci Bold link

5/1/2016 11:13:08 am

Carrie, I too suffer from setting boundaries for myself as I am always there to help everyone else out in my house first, before I do for me. This includes my writing time. Four years ago, I lost both of my jobs to a shoulder injury. My husband and I realized it was a blessing as I was now free to pursue to my dream of being a writer full time (I started about six months after my shoulder healed enough to be able to type). I had been writing childrens books for over twenty years but not really having any time to put enough effort into to work at becoming published. Since my youngest was then in her senior year of high school, losing my jobs was at first devastating but at the same time, came at the right time.

Now that I write full time, I get caught up in the quandry of 'Well I'm home writing so I can do the housework, laundry, mow the lawn, work in my garden, run errands since I am working from home.' The problem with this is that while every one else in my house goes to their jobs and comes home to do their chores, I delegated myself to making dinner, cleaning up after dinner (my hubby always helps with this) and then helping him with whatever project he wanted to work on. This left me with no set schedule of writing during the day as I always interrupted myself to change the laundry, vacuum, dust, etc.

So, I decided to tell myself 'no' when I thought i needed to do work. I changed my laundry schedule to the weekend only when my daughter could help and chores to right away in the morning on a set schedule and if I need time to write when either of them is home, I tell them 'no' when they ask me to help them with something that they can actually do themselves.

This has not been easy to do but it is a work in progress which all writers know about.

Besides the word 'no' my driving word is actually a hastag I came up with three years ago and that is #justkeepwriting. When 'no' doesn't cut it, #justkeepwriting does.

Carrie Charley Brown

5/1/2016 11:24:50 pm

You are right, Traci! It is a work in progress for sure!

Mary Worley

5/1/2016 12:32:42 pm

Oh, teachers and codes! It's like you were in my head when I read this this morning. :) The thing that has helped me with my routines is to make my 2016 word HABIT. I've read a few books about setting and keeping habits to get ideas. I try different things out.

What's working for me—First, I have a habit tracking page in my bullet journal. I resisted it for awhile, but I really like marking what I accomplished (and it motivates me to do it when I think about having to mark a box NO). I include easy-to-accomplish goals like flossing and weight check-in. These help set the tone for a good day for me.

Next, I have some flexible rules for myself—like lunch out once a week, all errands on Tuesdays/Thursdays, write first thing, no electronics after 10 PM. Oh, I have my writing goal as 20 minutes a day. I set the timer, but I always go longer. But I just have to make it to 20 minutes to get to fill in the box. If I do it on the weekends, great. If not, I don't expect it of myself. Part of not having a full-time job anymore is supposed to be enjoying a more relaxed family life.

The habit tracker is not working to make me check/use the 12 x 12 forums though. I'm setting up a new one for May today. I'll have to figure out a small, easy goal for that to get started. I know it'll be good for me. Maybe I could pair it with my afternoon coffee? It might make it seem like having coffee with friends...

I tried to be an accountability partner with someone for writing everyday, but it didn't work out. I'm good with just knowing myself. My partner needed to explain why she didn't write that day in great detail. So, now we just meet to share how it's going.

One more thing, I turn on the do not disturb for a few night-owl friends who like to text after 10 because I've been using my iPad for an alarm. I really should go back to the old clock. Sudoku is hard to stop. And I'm not reading as many books as I want to read.

Carrie Charley Brown

5/1/2016 11:26:24 pm

I have a type of habit tracker on my calendar. I give myself a check-mark when I achieve a goal. :) Now, it's almost 10:30 and I don't want to turn into a pumpkin! Off to bed I go!

Jena Benton

5/1/2016 08:44:26 pm

I don't know that I have any answers, but I certainly struggle with the same thing myself. I'm a teacher too, but I'm also a single gal. Single seems to be an excuse (either by others or by myself) to do more because I "don't have a family" (no kids, etc.).

I have a hard time squeezing in writing and exercise time around work (things I need to make myself a whole person and feel better mentally). BUT this year I'm making a bit more progress than I have in the past. Like you, I have an accountability partner (for working out) sorta. I like the texting idea (and might have to share that with her).

On a similar note, I once heard a successful magazine writer say you had to choose writing over a social life. I thought it was terrible when I heard it, but have come to understand the wisdom of it a bit more this year. I'm trying to use my very spare time for writing stuff (instead of outings or watching TV or wasting time on-line), BUT I'm also trying to allow myself to be human and have fun going to the movies with friends once in a while, etc. I cannot live an ascetic life! It is definitely a fine line between the two.

Carrie Charley Brown

5/1/2016 11:23:22 pm

Thanks for sharing, Jena! I definitely left a social life behind years ago when I had kids. I do remember what my teaching life was like before kids and I spent lots of extra time at school. (Often the last car in the parking lot.) Boundaries were hard then, too, b/c of that over-achiever code that drives me. And that continued even after kids- so my priorities were messed up. I feel like I am on the road to better boundaries, but look at the time. I'm almost to my new 10:30 bedtime boundary! Better run!

Angie Quantrell

5/2/2016 10:12:13 am

Oh, I could have written the same thing everyone has written! It has been so challenging to set a writing schedule in such a flexible day! As soon as I went to full-time writing, my daughter's child care fell apart. Nana to the rescue! Then the other daughter had a similar issue. I juggled babies and school-age for almost 2 years and I was squeezing in writing after hours just like I had been when I was teaching full time. Now things have settled down (though I have a brand new granddaughter and took time off to help at her birth) and I am slowly finding a path to more consistent writing. ReFoReMo really helped kickstart the habit of reading, researching and thinking about picture books. Now I am doing the May 1-7 picture book writing and last night I wrote the world's worst picture book. But I wrote it! And I can't write off all of the exposure to funny little minds during the child care times as research and brainstorming for book ideas and what kids love. Not a wasted minute!

I really have to give it to my husband. I work myself up and whine that I don't have time to write and he says "I just want you home and not so stressed about all the other stuff. Just relax and enjoy the day."

Sigh. Which is what I tell myself. But I listen better when he says it.

So that's today. Relax and enjoy the day. Thanks, everyone!

Carrie Charley Brown

5/2/2016 04:11:44 pm

Hooray for the world's worst picture book! A draft is a draft! Woo-hoo!

Kirstine Call

5/2/2016 06:19:31 pm

Well said Carrie, and everyone else! The more overwhelmed and stressed we are, the less our creative minds can work. Here's to drawing boundaries!

Jane Buttery link

5/2/2016 06:35:25 pm

Thanks for sharing your problems with boundaries. My main motto is "If I can help somebody,then my living will not be in vain." so I find I'm at church, visiting parishioners, going to sick at Hospice as well as keeping our home going. My husband tells me to slow down! So now,after REFO RE MO and still doing 12x12 , I must go to bed earlier and set asidee aregular time to write next month. This month I go family visiting which will slow me down in UK but I will try to write enroute in plane, bus or train because I know we writers need that. Like Julie, Carrie you have kindly shown your own vunerability and,in a way, that is encouragement to people like me.
Thanks.I loved your special month.

Eileen Washburn link

5/2/2016 06:41:41 pm

The hardest is always taking time away from the kids who will grow and be gone in a blink of an eye. While I confess to saying "I'm writing, go away", I also try to take as many opportunities as I can to hang out with them (like Mario Kart today!)

Jodi Mckay

5/3/2016 08:04:14 am

This is great, Carrie. I remember watching Oprah talking about one of her AHA! moments which was, "you can't take good care of anything that's important to you until you take care of yourself." and I have tried to follow that (because you do what Oprah tells you to), but I needed this reminder so thank you!

Julie Burchstead

5/3/2016 10:12:49 am

This is such a wonderful post. We are all human. Sometimes I love how all the interaction via the web is available whenever we might choose to step in and out. But I think that availability also blurs boundaries. We connect online in a casual way with many- in all sorts of roles, but again, that situational familiarity sometimes is out of sync with roles/positions in the outside world. I have found the writing community to be so amazingly generous. But we are human beings first. Service (teacher) roles can easily pull one into a hungry maw. I applaud your reminder to yourself, and to all of us, that family and the need to have your own personal reflective time (time to pursue what nourishes your own human soul) is critical. Regie Routman, the wonderful no-nonsense teacher educator helped me realize this long ago....but it is a lesson I (we) need to remember again and again.

Lauri Meyers link

6/14/2016 02:10:40 pm

Yes, yes, yes. Especially with summer around the corner, setting boundaries is going to be critical. My children can play by themselves! I should not spend more time volunteering than being with my family. I have to book writing time, because it won't magically happen otherwise. Good luck!!

Carrie Charley Brown

As a children’s writer, and a teacher, my goal is to help you carry on. Sometimes learning is challenging, so why go it alone? Your journey will be more meaningful and comfortable with friends to share it with. Together, we'll get up close and personal with authors, illustrators, and the best of picture books. If we work together, great things will follow!